Making Friends with the Algorithm

Teaching Social Media What You Really Want

Sorry this is late. Trying to get a handle on Substack scheduling.

A few years ago, I was at a talk with Rabbi Angela Buchdahl, the senior rabbi at Central Synagogue. She’s one of the leaders of modern American Jewry. During the talk she described the most tense moment of her life when terrorists called her after they took hostages in a Texas synagogue. As an offhand comment, she said that her husband described her Instagram feed as “all rainbows and unicorns.”

How does a woman who leads one of the largest Jewish congregations in North America have a feed of all rainbows and unicorns? Shouldn’t she be on top of all the antisemitism happening in the world, the complex geopolitical situations, the challenges facing Jewish communities?

She has this feed because that’s what she wants to see on Instagram.

I thought, “I want that.”

Not literally rainbows and unicorns. I’m not looking for a Hallmark-filled feed. But I do want a feed that genuinely serves me—one that makes me feel good and helps me become a better person.

In the past, when I used social media, I got sucked into endless rabbit holes of social media slop. But what if, instead of fighting Instagram (it trying to grab my attention and me fighting back), I could turn it into an ally?

It’s All About the Ads

Here’s what most people don’t realize: social media algorithms don’t care what they show you. Facebook, Instagram, TikTok—they just want you engaged so they can serve ads. If cat videos keep you scrolling, you get cat videos. If you’re so enraged at the latest Trump news that you can’t turn away, you’ll get more of that. The algorithm doesn’t care if what you’re seeing makes your life better or worse.

When I actually looked at my feeds, I found them full of what I call “interesting slop.” This wasn’t stuff I hated, but stuff that was vaguely interesting enough to click. There were random facts about New York City history and nostalgia posts about 1980s pop culture (”What happened to the stars of The Facts of Life...”). This was the definition of clickbait—things that turned a switch on in my brain that said, “Hey, why don’t we think about that...”

But the algorithm knew that I’d bite. It learned that I’d pause to look at this stuff, so it kept serving it to me. And I kept falling down the rabbit hole.

It really came clear to me when my friend Zach showed me his Instagram feed. He complained, “Why is it showing me all these pictures of sexy women? I don’t want to see this.”

But here’s the thing—Instagram didn’t just “decide” to show him that. The algorithm showed a few of these pictures to him. They looked pretty cute. He didn’t even click on them, but he never said he wasn’t interested. Most importantly, he kept looking.

The Two Brains Inside Your Head

Here’s what was happening inside Zach’s head. There are two parts of the brain making decisions about what to look at.

There’s the cognitive side—the one that wants to read serious books, learn new things, engage with hard ideas. This is the part that knows what’s good for you long-term.

Then there’s the limbic side—the one that just wants funny fail videos, quick dopamine hits, and of course, sexy girls—stuff that feels good right now.

If you only listen to the cognitive side, you end up with a feed that’s all the equivalent of vegetables. They’re good for you but aren’t any fun. If you only listen to the limbic side, you get an endless stream of junk food for your brain.

The sweet spot is in between—content that satisfies both sides of your brain. Stuff that you really like but also stuff that’s pretty good for you. Content that feels good to you both now and when you look back later.

Training Your Algorithm Friend

Here’s what I realized—I don’t pick and choose what I want to see, like I would a YouTube playlist. The selection is from Instagram, as it subtly watches my behavior. Every click, every pause, every scroll is a signal to the algorithm about what I want.

Which means I need to control my behavior to send the right signals. When I see something that’s kind of interesting but not something I want to see again, I’ll click “not interested.” I’ve learned not to get upset with Instagram for showing me things that I don’t want, but to look at it as “How could it know what I want if I don’t tell it?”

So now I’ve decided that I want things that make me feel more connected to humanity, that make me laugh, and that help me understand the world through other people’s stories. I want real people, real stories, different windows into the world in the spirit of Studs Terkel’s oral histories.

For me, that means my Instagram feed is now full of stand-up comedy clips, global TV joke clips, funny perspectives, and perspectives from people with different life experiences.

But it’s hard.

When something interesting shows up, like that 80s trivia, I need to tell the algorithm, “No. Not interested. Don’t show me this.” The words “not interested” are carefully chosen. I am interested in it, but it’s not what I really want. I have to protect myself from the junk.

Because the algorithm will keep testing you. It will keep offering you the digital equivalent of junk food, seeing if you’ll take the bait. And if you do—even once—it learns. Don’t worry, just hit “not interested” the next time you remember and are sucked down the rabbit hole.

But once I train it, it works.

The algorithm becomes my friend instead of my adversary. It starts serving content that makes me feel good in both the short and long term. It becomes a tool for my flourishing instead of a trap for my attention.